Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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