you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize