my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
