my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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