what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
