I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
