Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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