Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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