I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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