The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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