I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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