If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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