If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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