Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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