I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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