I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
