I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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