a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
