tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
