he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize