The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
