for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
