Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
God, I missed his penis.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
