I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
