I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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