Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
