I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Michael Bay diarrhea
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
