OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
