I just pynch a tree in the face
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
