Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
