I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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