I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
