Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
