The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
