Pass out mid-funnel last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
