And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
sarcasm needs its own font
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
