Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
