This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
