I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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