I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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