HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
