hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
