Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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