I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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