At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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