remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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