Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
