I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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