Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
