Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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