Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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