OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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