i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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