i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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