sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
COCAINE IS GR8
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
