He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
