last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
